Seriously, of all the t-shirts I have on my site, I think the Jaws shirts creep me out the most. If I had a single goal in life, it's not to end up food for any multi-cellular creatures. Something about that just bothers me. To hell with the circle of life. Humans are at the top of the food chain and I for one intend to remain there.
On that note, I just found this decent article on How to Avoid Shark Attacks. A lot of these instructions seems to be life instructions for dummies. Honestly, from a Darwinian point of view, do we really want to tell anyone who is inclined to touch a shark when they see one not to touch the shark? It would seem like the collective intelligence of the human race would increase a couple points of that person were eaten.
I also like the instruction to stay out of the water if porpoises are around. Most people think porpoises are nice because there are stories out there about dolphins and porpoises pushing people treading water at sea back to the shore. That is great, but what we don't hear about is all the people treading water at sea that dolphins and porpoises push farther out. Maybe they just like to push people? All we hear about is the survivors stories. I have my suspicions about porpoises and dolphins.
The most disturbing part about these instructions is how similar they are to the basic rules for surviving a horror movie. Check these rules out:
1. Always swim in a group-this is horror survival 101. Everyone knows that Jason likes to pick off the stragglers and loners. Volunteering to go for help is the fast track to the business end of a machete. Looks like sharks follow the same guidelines.
2. Don't wander too far from the shore-duh. Unless you are in a zombie movie being out in the woods miles from civilization is a good way to end up chained up at the bottom of a well somewhere. Same thing holds true for sharks, I guess.
3. Avoid the water at night, dawn, or dusk-duh. Everyone knows that night time is the killing time for most horror villains. Additionally, if you happen to be in a vampire movie you will be safe(r) during the day. Also, as an aside, VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE IN DAYLIGHT! THEY BURST INTO FLAME! GET IT RIGHT YOU TEENIE BOPPER PIMPS!
5. Do not wear shiny or flashy jewelry-given a choice in a horror movie I would be wearing a ghillie suit the whole time. It can't hurt, and just might save my life.
6. Do not go into water containing sewage-well, there are about 1231 other reasons to avoid this water, all of which are truly disgusting, but this would be the equivalent of entering a toxic waste dump or hospital (hospitals are among the worst places to go in a horror movie, along with schools, cemeteries, abandoned amusement parks, insane asylums, and ancient castles).
10. Don't splash a lot-well, along with my ghillie suit I would most definitely be doing anything but drawing attention to myself.
Anyway, I also found a list of instructions on how to survive a horror movie but the article seems to be trying to be more comedy than serious. I need my imaginary irrational fears to be treated like they could really happen. Also, if you are the guy who writes the humorous horror or zombie survival guide then I think you deserve to not survive when injected into a horror or the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
These instructions are more or less moot for me, as I don't intend to get in ocean water again unless the Bay Bridge collapses with me on it. The funny thing is as a kid I loved the ocean, and still love to see and hear it. For the record, the fear of sharks is known as selachophobia.
January 13th, 2010
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