My personal experience with cocaine is pretty limited. In high school I worked at Round Table Pizza and would work until about 1 am every Friday and Saturday. The manager would more or less disappear after about 9 and leave us to handle it. Occasionally he would have a couple friends over and invite them and a couple of the "cooler" employees into the office and shut the door. They would come out about 15 minutes later with amazing amounts of energy. We would clean the place (badly) from wall to wall. After he left one of the "cool" kids told me they used to go in there and snort coke. I don't know if they didn't invite me because I wasn't cool enough or if they were just cheap. Either way, as glad as I am that I never got hooked to something like cocaine, they can all rot in hell for helping to contribute to my overwhelming feeling of alienation. Like I didn't get enough of that is school. Or home. Or pretty much everywhere. Anyway, here is something I probably could have used back in 1986; instruction on how to tell if someone is on cocaine.
I have been looking forward to doing this shirt because it gives me the chance to talk about my favorite product story of all time: the fact that Coka Cola was originally made with cocaine as one of the two main ingredients. The other ingredient was caffeine. Amazing. They really didn't mess around back in those days. Back in high school I played football (and hated it. Jocks can bite me) and our equipment manager was this old guy who used to tell us the thing to do as a teenager was to get some Coca Cola and drop a couple aspirin in it to release the cocaine and get completely messed up. I guess back in those days you could get a smoke half a pack of cigarettes, some weed, drink some bathtub gin, and the perk up with some Cocaine Cola all before heading off to fifth grade. Good times.
I used to have a bad Diet Coke habit. Really, I drank literally gallons a day. I constantly had a 44oz (Super Size) drink all the time. The funny thing is I loved Diet Coke but could not stand Diet Pepsi. It got to the point that even today I can tell you which is served at whatever fast food place you want to name in Southern California. I wouldn't even eat at the Pepsi places. One day I quit cold turkey and, after about a week of agonizing caffeine withdrawal headaches, was pretty much over it. Now I drink water, sleep better, and have white teeth. Who says there are no happy endings?
I found this weird article on secret product ingredients in food. I think the weirdest is probably the human hair in Noah's Bagels, but they are all strange. The greatest thing about doing these descriptions is you really don't have to make anything up.
Here is an article about weird drug smuggling methods. Most of these are strange, and some of them downright disturbing. When I was selling t-shirts as a sales rep I used to call on a lot of smoke shops and they all sold cans of Coke or spray paint that were actually empty but looked like the real thing. The top would pop off or something and you could hide your stash there. Good idea in theory, but it occurs to me that any narcotics cop worth his paycheck just might check out all the head shops in his or her town and be familiar with what stash items are being sold. Then, when you see a solo Coke can in an odd place you might just consider picking it up and seeing if it has the right weight, but I guess that's just me. I think you would have better luck with this beer can hider.
This movie came out in 1935, and it's pretty funny. Check out Cocaine Fiends, or at least the first part. It was actually called the Pace that Kills, but was renamed for the US market. It was done by William O'Conner, who looks like he worked on about a million exploitation movies with really camp names. Here are some of the films he did as directory: Confessions of a Vice Baron, The Cheyenne Tornado,The Pace That Kills, Her Splendid Folly, The Drifter, Ten Nights in a Barroom, The Primrose Path, Playthings of Hollywood, The Pace That Kills, and Moonland. The really impressive titles come when you get to his credits at an assistant director: The Lion's Den, Too Much Beef, Aces and Eights, Lightnin' Bill Carson, Border Caballero, Lawless Border, Gun Play, Border Vengeance, The Ghost Rider, Outlaw Rule, Blazing Guns, Arizona Bad Man, The Racing Strain, Sinister Hands, Hurricane Horseman, Masquerade, and The River Woman. Lots of cowboys in there I think.
That's it. I have some other stuff to do tonight.
January 4th, 2011
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