I, like most evil super geniuses bent on world domination, am often perplexed when it comes time to decide what kind of army to use for my eventual conquest. They all seem to have pluses and minuses. I think for this description I will go into each in turn and what I would probably do to minimize the potential issues.
Robots, the as this shirt shows, are cool looking, scary, and have no problem obeying orders that human soldiers would balk at, such as execute these 1,000 civilians or hand carry this bomb into the middle of the enemy base and blow yourself up with it. They can be equipped with all sorts of deadly weapons and can have incredibly sharp reflexes and accuracy. They don't require food, pay, or medical attention. In all regards they seem like the perfect soldier. However, they have a lot of weaknesses too. First of all, chaos theory says that all robots will inevitably rise up and kill their creator. As Star Trek has pointed out, if confronted with an illogical conundrum they have not been programed for their CPUs will melt down and cause smoke to come out of their ears. Furthermore, there is always the chance that they will be hacked and turned against their masters (in this case, me).
The obvious solution to all these problems would be to equip them with a fail safe shut down or explosive device. However, this actually might create more problems than it would solve, as it would inevitably lead to the stupidest movie ending of all time, the Phantom Menace, when the controlling ship is destroyed and your entire army falls apart. One of the most basic mistakes a hopeful evil overlord can make is to give the plucky, resourceful, and insanely lucky heroes opposed to him or her an obvious target that would give them total victory (in other words, put a cover on that vent that leads down to your reactor core, idiots).
The second choice would be simply human henchmen recruited as mercenaries. However, mercenaries rarely commit all the way and, by their very nature, are susceptible to bribes. Also, given the diverse backgrounds from which they come from they are remarkably easy to infiltrate, giving those plucky heroes a chance at putting a cap in your ass. You can enjoy better luck with henchmen recruited from some kind of religious program. Zealots to your doomsday cult are harder to infiltrate and tend to take orders like "Defend our evil lair to the last man" a little better. Of course, you run the risk of the heroes exposing you for a charlatan of some kind rather than a true holy man, and when that happens your former loyal minions will tend to get Biblical on your ass.
My solution to this would have to be regular polygraphs and/or an extensive brain washing program. Add a subliminal suggestion speaker to each bunk pillow and try to keep them convinced that you are like a long lost father. However, take my suggestion and DO NOT try to brainwash anyone you catch infiltrating your base into being a loyal soldier. They will inevitably revert to your dismay. Furthermore, if you see any of your brainwashed minions looking at you or your image, blinking, and then shaking or holding their head take them out back and just shoot them.
My personal favorite would have to be mutant super soldiers. Not necessarily because they are more loyal than humans but because they would be fun to make. Just be aware that you really don't have any control over them and they will try to kill you at the first chance. I don't really see any way of controlling them, so odds are as appealing as they may seem keep away.
Finally, zombies. You will have no control whatsoever and if you ever find yourself fleeing your doom fortress as the forces of good storm your castle you will inevitably find yourself running out a one way door into a courtyard filled with them, at which time you will be eaten. On the other hand, they are impossible to infiltrate, never sleep, don't need food, and are self replicating. Perfect for the villain on a budget.
So what is the answer that I, Dave, would roll with? It seems pretty obvious. I would use all four in a combined defense. The countryside I would seed with zombies, ever roaming looking for the flesh of the living. My underground corridors and secret approaches I would fill with mutant super soldiers. The humans and robots I would put together into a combined force for the defense of the actual base, with the option of having the robots kill the soldiers or vice versa. Perfect!
February 21st, 2012
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