I have to be careful with any of the movies by Joel Schumacher. On the one hand he has done some great films such as this one, or Falling Down and 8MM. He has done a bunch of middlin' movies such as D.C. Cab, St. Elmo's Fire, and Flatliners. Over all not a bad career. However, the two movies he has done that has ruined all credibility for life and permenantly placed him on the S-list of every nerd on the planet including me are
Batman Forever and Batman and Robin.
Seriously. Could you have made it more plan that you never read a single Batman comic in your life? Perhaps by tattooing "I Hate Batman" across your forehead. These movies were a complete betrayal of the franchise and most likely have Bob Kane spinning in his grave. Every actor who chose to partake in either of these two movies is grossly diminished in my esteem. For the record, they are Val Kilmer (Batman/Bruce Wayne), Tommy Lee Jones (Two-Face/Harvey Dent), Jim Carrey,(Riddler/Dr. Edward Nygma), Nicole Kidman (Dr. Chase Meridian?), Chris O'Donnell (Robin/Dick Grayson), Michael Gough (Alfred Pennyworth), and Drew Barrymore (Sugar) in Batman Forever and Arnold Schwarzenegger (Mr. Freeze/Dr. Victor Fries), George Clooney, (Batman/Bruce Wayne), Uma Thurman (Poison Ivy/Dr. Pamela Isley), and Alicia Silverstone (Batgirl/Barbara Wilson) in Batman and Robin.
Wait a minute? Wasn't Batgirl supposed to be Barbara Gordon, Commissioner Gordon's daughter, not Alfred's niece? Argh argh argh. Joel Schumacher burn in hell.
Just because I am all worked up and want to vindictively embarrass all these actors with their worst roles ever (aside from Batman) I am going to do so. Val Kilmer:
Gun with 50 Cent and some kind of alien creature posing as Val's wig. Tommy Lee Jones:
Fire Birds with recently paned (by me in my movie review blog) actor Nicholas Cage. Jim Carrey:
the Number 23, also directed by ass-hat Joel Schumacher and earning a whopping 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. Nichole Kidman:
BMX Bandits (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha). Chris O'Donnell: Batman and Robin (no joke. Every time I enter any variation on Chris O'Donnell and "worst movie" this one comes up. Why fight the inevitable?). Michael Gough:
Curse of the Chrimson Alter (I'm being nice to him, as this movie actually stars the great Boris Karloff). Drew Barrymore:
Doppleganger: the Evil Within (I have a particular bent against here, as I think she is a terrible actress and really not that attractive IMO). Arnold Schwarzenegger: the governorship of California. George Clooney: really it should be Batman and Robin, but I already did that joke with Chris O'Donnell so I will go with
the Peacemaker. I guess Hollywood hadn't yet heard that the Cold War was over. Uma Thurman:
Motherhood, although I have always like her in things like Pulp Fiction and the Truth about Cats and Dogs. Alicia Silverstone:oh god, soooo many.
Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreak,
Scooby Doo 2: Monster Unleashed, and
Love’s Labour Lost to name a few. She's a full time bomb factory.
I supposed I should at some point actually talk about the Lost Boys, but trust me when I say the disciplined legions of Frosty the Snowman will successfully have taken strategic control of Hell before I ever have a Batman and Robin t-shirt on this site, so I have to take this opportunity when it presents itself. For the record, Batman and Robin was named
worst movie of all time by multiple surveys. It really sucks.
LOL some days I love Facebook (other days I want to drive down to Palo Alto and put flaming bags of dog excrement on their front doorstep). Check out this page for the
Bat Nipple. Also, Urban Dictionary has a really funny definition for
batnipple. I vow to use the term "batnipple bad" on a future description or movie review.
Anyway, the Lost Boys. I lived in Santa Cruz for a couple years, the town the movie was based on and called the murder capital of the US at the time of the movie. I am pretty sure most of the murders have less to do with vampires and more to do with the several hundred pot farms in the mountains surrounding it. Hopefully the semi-legalization of pot in California will cut down on that. I couldn't think of a stupider reason to die than to be killed over pot. That's like dying in a fire trying to save your
Beanie Babies.
So I used to ride my bike past the abandoned train trestle featured in the movie all the time. I can also say that, in all the weird periods of my life in dating women, some of the strangest girls I have ever gone out with were in Santa Cruz. Something in the water, I guess. If you ever visit Santa Cruz be sure to visit
the Mystery Spot and get one of those yellow bumper stickers like 80% of the people in the Bay Area.
UC Santa Cruz has the Banana Slugs as their team mascot, which tops this list of
list of bad school mascots. The funny thing is they all look cooler than my alma mater mascot,
the Anteaters. Could they pick an animal more lame? What does anyone really know about anteaters except they have long noses and eat ants? By the way, if you have never seen a real life
banana slug, they are truly repulsive. Honestly, really stomach turning.
By the way, the Lost Boys came out in 1987, which is a year near and dear to my heart as it is the year I escaped my personal hell known as high school. I was hoping one of my moronic fellow graduates had found the motivation to create a class page, but true to SCHS form none of them seem to be willing or capable. Lazy sods. I suppose I could do it, but really I am sure ten minutes into the project my bitterness would take over and it would just be picture after picture of
dog excrement with funny comments like "Former Class Treasurer So-and-so, now leading a 12 step program to help pedophiles." There's enough bile in my existance.
Speaking of bile, I know I said I was going to stop bitching about Joel Schumacher, but I just remembered a great episode of Robot Chicken wherein
Joel Schumacher gets his comeuppance at the hands of the nerds he so painfully wronged.
I feel strangely purged now. Like the evil spirits have departed for a time.
Dave
March 9th, 2011
