So I have been super busy and haven't done one of these in about a week, which sucks because the new shirts keep piling up, crying out for t-shirt descriptions worthy of them. I really have a ton of other stuff to do tonight as well, but started to get a bad case of
cabin fever and decided I had to get out of my apartment. So here I am at
Gaylord’s coffee, a local coffee house with decent coffee, really uncomfortable chairs, internet access for a nominal fee, and a shockingly large percentage of attractive women, at least if you are into the crunchy granola feminist type (which I can be upon occasion).
So here I am, and it all boils down to a race to see if I can write something brilliant before my
ass falls asleep. I have faith in my ability, so let's see where the smart bet lies.
As a Terminator fan, I know
Terminator Salvation is really not the movie to be pulling t-shirts from. Let's face it. The movie sucked. James Cameron had the wisdom to bail out after the second one, and since then the franchise has been on a death spiral. They got a guy with the unlikely moniker of
McG to direct it. I noticed he got a BA in Phsychology from my old alma mater,
UC Irvine, arguably the most boring school in the country. I guess the bland, formulaic tripe McG tried to pass off as an tribute to a great couple of films can be understood. His credits is for the most part made-for-TV crap and the show
the OC, which I have patently refused to watch based on the fact that I used to hang out in Newport Beach for work and have had my fill of shallow, over-wealthy, undercultured beautiful plastic people. Newport Beach and all it's inhabitants can bite me.
Anyway, I have some questions and issues with Terminator Salvation. First of all, why would Skynet build two wheeled hunter killers that can easily be hijacked and reprogrammed for the humans they are dedicated to kill to ride around on? I mean, really, were they so lacking in story that they had to crowbar in some
motorcycle stunts? Also it seemed like John was able to maintain pretty good control considering he probably had to duct tape handlebars onto that thing. If I were in Skynets position (and one day, God willing, I will be) I would have covered the back of those bikes with razor blades and rusty fishhooks. Or better yet, a self destruct bomb.
My next question has to do with some of the human hardware, but really it boils down to the question did McG ever actually watch the first two movies? In the original Terminator when they showed the human resistance in the future they were living in sewers and eating rats in true gorilla fashion. Terminator Salvation comes out and all of a sudden they have Blackhawk helicopters, hardened military bases, and an air force. Do you have any idea what level of technology is required to keep an
A-10 Warthog in flyable condition? In the first movie it was established that humans were more or less rounded up in extermination camps until John Carpenter got them organized, yet somehow most of the military appeared to be up and running.
Finally, how long exactly can one survive with a piece of rebar impaling your heart? Most of my research on the internet seems to indicate that humans need a heart to survive, and will be very dead within a few minutes of the heart stopping. Further research has revealed that a heart transplant can take between 4 and 12 hours. Furthermore, it requires an actual surgery theater, a trained heart transplant specialist, several assistants (all doctors and nurses), a sterile environment, a donor of the same blood type and similar genetic structure, complex anti-rejection drugs, and months if not years of recovery. It specifically can't be done in a wrecked helicopter in the middle of a dusty desert by a GP doctor with no surgical instruments, anesthesia, blood source, or even a sink to wash his or her hands. I mean, I am willing to exercise my suspension of disbelief, but this is basically taking it out to run a marathon while a gang of
hipster scooter kids rides along side beating it with sand filled
wiffle ball bat. It is literally insulting.
That's just it. The whole movie felt like McG and his studio buddies had absolutely no respect for the movie and it's fans and basically just created something to
Hoover as much money out of the pockets of fan boys and idiots as possible without being lynched. The only thing that came out of it worth anything is the famous
Christian Bale rant where he bitches out the lighting guy for interrupting his "acting". Bad language warning on that one, by the way.
So why, pray tell, would you bring in this shirt, Dave? Good question. First of all, graphically I think the shirt looks pretty cool. It could actually been from any of the movies, especially the first one. I also have a thing for red shirts. Secondly, all the other Terminator t-shirts I have found all suck. I'm serious. There is some kind of weird phenomenon that goes on with certain movie licenses where the artists designing the shirts can't come up with a good graphic to save their lives. Fortunately, for every one of those there is usually another movie that inspires a whole slew of great designs.
Finally, I bought this shirt on closeout in order to have more to put into our new
Sale category. I guess most of America agrees with me on the value of the movie.
Why, then, Dave, would you spend two hours working on a t-shirt description for a shirt you are just going to blow out and never reorder? Another great question. The reasons are twofold. First of all, I am compulsive about these damned t-shirt descriptions. It's starting to become an issue, actually. Secondly, you might not have caught it from the acerbic tone I had at the beginning of this description, but I had been having a pretty bad evening and my mood was dark and grim. Finding something like this to rant about has really helped me reset my clock, if you know what I mean. McG, you are an incompetent moron who I wouldn't trust to direct a 4th grade production of Romeo and Juliet at a special needs school, much less a major movie. The only people stupider than you are whatever executives hired you. I mean, really, guys, he calls himself McG, for God's sake! That should have been your first clue for the clueless. Although if he has to shorten his name or whatever in my opinion he should have gone with BstrD. Christain Bale, I loved you in Batman Begins and American Psycho, but you really should have sniffed out the suck on this script. Fire your agent.
Dave
October 12th, 2010
